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MOBI E.L. James Ù Fifty Shades of Grey PDF/EPUB Á Fifty Shades Ù

When literature student Anastasia Steele goes to interview young entrepreneur Christian Grey she encounters a man who is beautiful brilliant and intimidating The unworldly innocent Ana is startled to realize she wants this man and despite his enigmatic reserve finds she is desperate to get close to him Unable to resist Ana’s uiet beauty wit and independent spirit Grey admits he wants her too—but on his own terms Shocked yet thrilled by Grey’s singular erotic tastes Ana hesitates For all the trappings of success—his multinational businesses his vast wealth his loving family—Grey is a man tormented by demons and consumed by the need to control When the couple embarks on a daring passionately physical affair Ana discovers Christian Grey’s secrets and explores her own dark desiresErotic amusing and deeply moving the Fifty Shades Trilogy is a tale that will obsess you possess you and stay with you foreverThis book is intended for mature audiences


10 thoughts on “Fifty Shades of Grey

  1. says:

    You know I was beginning to wonder if I needed to change some of my two star books to one star I was thinking that I might not ever personally read a book worthy of one star and I was messing up my scale by giving some of the lame books I've read lately two stars instead of oneThank you EL James for proving to me there was something worth waiting for Something that truly exemplifies the meaning of terribleNow hold up all you would be defenders I read this whole thing I did not skip anything I did not skim I read every word I bought this book with the intention of giving it the benefit of the doubt You see I love erotica and I'm not ashamed to say that I both read as you see on my 2012 books I've already read two others and write it myself So I was thinking to myself oh maybe there's a possibility that even though this is a twi fiction rewrite and even though everyone makes fun of it it could still be a fun little guilty pleasure read that I can laugh along withNONONONOThis book is NOT eroticsexy funny even ironically endearing full of sexual taboosThis book IS repetitive plotless well you knew that painful to get through depicting manipulative controlling and self destructive as desirable how to not write a novel how to gain success by using other people's characters barely changing them and then laughing all the way to the bankMost people know about the twilight matchups so I'm not going to go into too much detail but it was actually uite sickening how lazy she was to change ANY story detailsBella Anastasia a clumsy girl who grew up in Arizona Las Vegas with her mother then moved to Forks Vancouver Washington where her dad stepdad lives while her mother lives with her new husband in Florida Georgia She has a younger friend named Jacob Jose with a crush on her and whose dad is friends with her dad because they are fishing partners and police force army buddies and who gave her his old truck VW beetleEdward Christian who is adopted and has a sibling named Emmett Elliott and a sister named Alice Mia also adopted who live with their parents Carlisle Carrick really? CARRICK? We couldn't even change the first three letters? and Esme Grace Their father mother is a doctor Rose Kate and Jasper Ethan are also siblings in this story but have been changed to be friends of Anastasia since in Twilight they already have a convenient different last name than the other CullensAlso he 'dazzles' herI can't even function over the fact that upon preparing this book for publishing she couldn't change one fucking thing to make it even remotely different That was too hard TOO DAMN HARD The similarities in character are so untouched that I am sincerely appalled that she thought it 'different' enough to publish as is It's uite disgustingAlright continuing on and once again I'm sure you've heard this already this book is terribly written Most notably the lack of ability to describe anything other than the few choice phrases she knows how to type He ran his hands through his hair I bit my lip He told me not to bite my lip Oh jeez He grabbed me by the chin to make me look up at him Holy crap I peeked up at him Lather rinse repeat Over And over And over For 500 pages Then there's the case of multiple personality disorder where she hears the voices of two distinct other pieces of herself in her head The subconscious the one telling her she's not good enough and the inner goddess the one that's all into the sex It's strange because I'm also currently reading a book right now Deadline where the main character hears a voice in his head because he is literally insane and it's written almost the exact same way he talks back to his voice who presents herself in italics just as Anastasia talks back to her two italics voices It's funny because she's supposed to be completely normal and yet shares the same schizophrenic tendencies as a book about someone who is completely insane This is sense Check out this awesome short paragraph from chapter 24“Through the haze of light I suint and see Christian leaning over me smiling Amused Amused at me Dressed In black”What are these fragments four in a row What is this punctuation GASP AT HIM BEING CLOTHED Is this supposed to be poetry?Let me add some line breaks for poetic interestThrough the haze of light I suint and see Christian leaning over me Smiling Amused Amused at me Dressed In blackThat's almost betterLet's have another shall we from chapter 24 once “I didn't put that song on my iPod” he says casually and puts his foot down so that I am thrown back into my seat as the car accelerates along the freeway What? He knows what he's doing the bastard Who did? And I have to listen to Britney going on and on Whowho?The song ends and the iPod shuffles to Damien Rice being morunful Who? Who? I stare out the window my stomach churning Who?SAY WHO AGAIN BITCH JUST TRY IT I DARE YOUOkay and now maybe even worse than the writing oh hell nothing's worse than the writing nevermind is the lack of plot Now once again you already know this Do I even need to tell you nothing happens? Seeing as it's based off of a book where nothing happens you can be guaranteed that as we go one step removed even less happens Here is the part where I apologize to Twilight where I said in my page by page commentary below that 50 Shades was entertaining I was at the very beginning I was young and naïve I didn't realize I'm sorry You know how The Office kind of got bad after Jim and Pam got together because there was really nothing you were waiting for after that? This happens by likechapter 2 You're likeokaywhat now we jut have to watch them whine as a couple for the next zillion pages? Okay I can't even fathom that there are two other books written about this couple I literally want to open the window and invite birds to eat my eyes out as punishment for buying and reading this bookAnd now for a bit of tiddlybits I'm going to share some information on storywriting that you guys might find interesting and will help show exactly why 50 Shades has zero plot I went to school for film and we had story development classes One thing we were beaten over the head with about is something called the 7 Sentence Story This will help for any writers that are writing their books to be cinematic or would like their novel to be considered for film purposes this is by no means a rule but a really helpful guideline First you need a problem a conflict A reason to tell a story Once you have that your plot should be able to be described in seven sentences thuslyExposition we are introduced to the protagonist andor main charactersInciting Incident something happens that kicks off the conflict the whole point of the storyPlot Point 1 because of the inciting incident character sets off to do somethingcorrect the problem etcMidpoint here in film you might see a montage but it's a place where either plot point 1 is resolved or there is a transition in the characters way of thinkingPlot Point 2 often an even bigger issue arises or a twist that changes or accelerates the conflictClimax final showdown or decisions needed to be madeResolution everything comes to an end the conflict is settled in one way or anotherBasically if you can tell your story in this way in seven sentences you'll know that A the main point is clear B that your story doesn't wander too much in different directions and C that you actually have a plot to stand on that you can justify there's enough substance there And since that's a lot of vagueness we'll go with a classic captivedominant story to show how one tells a story in seven sentences Disney's Beauty and the Beast First the main conflictConflict The prince has been turned into a beast and has only a limited time left before he is trapped forever as oneAnd the seven sentence story Exposition Belle is a smart girl who rejects the advances of Gaston as she doesn't want to be stuck in a mundane lifeInciting Incident Belle's father gets lost and captured by the Beast in his castlePlot Point 1 Belle trades her freedom for her father and is prisoner in the castleMidpoint Belle starts to experience feelings for the Beast and is complacentPlot Point 2 Belle's father is sick and the Beast decides to let her go even though he's giving up his chances of being with herClimax Gaston comes with an angry mob to destroy the BeastResolution While Beast lays dying his love for Belle turns him back into a human and he can live with her happily ever after Simple right? Of course other things happen but no doubt you can communicate the main story with just these sentences Okay so let's try 50 Shades which hilariously has had its film rights bought already Conflict Anastasia must decide whether to be with a guy who she thinks is super hot but also scares her This fascinating decision I tell you whatExposition Anastasia is a literary student at WSUInciting Incident Anastasia meets Christian on page 7 and thinks he's hot and mysterious and also frustrating It is clear they both have chemistryPlot Point 1 which is sloppy and all over the place Christian chases her down brings her to his house and shows her he's into SM Also they have sexSorta Midpoint but kind of suished close to Plot Point 1 Anastasia must decide whether to pledge herself to him via contract if she wants to continue seeing him Plot Point 2 Nah she's still deciding and whining about how he's kind of scary but continues to have sex with him throughout this whole time There is no plot point 2Climax Well there isn't really one it's just kind of an all over the place endingeither the complicated sex scene at the end with the hymnal music or him hitting with her with the belt the next morning one of the two I guessResolution She says he's too weird and ends it What a complex thrilling and incredible plot full of depth SHOULD I HAVE CUT THAT FOR SPOILERS? OOPS? Did you even care? If you've gotten this far nopeBut guess what We know that there are two other books and they get together and lesson isn't really learned so AWESOME COOL I guess that's how she gets people to buy the next ones because hot diggedy I can't wait to see them get back together and whine some And let's talk about the sex for a moment Nothing forbidden actually happens that you'll be like ohhhh how scandalous I want to try that For the most part it's pretty much all basic stuff or basic toy play because basically he's taking it easier on her since she's inexperienced Except for the belt part at the end I guess which just doesn't sound funAnd you already heard about the tampon so like that's not even a surprise although imo it's not a big deal anyway Out of all the women having sex on their periods regularly I can guarantee you there are uite a few men that are tasked with taking the tampon out and throwing it aside I was actually upset about the fact that she is sleeping completely naked in a hotel room bed on day two of her period As if that isn't going to be a mess in the morningOkay lest I go on as long as the book you get the point If you want to see my commentary while reading it is below However a few things I cannot stand how much the author being middle aged shows from the point of view of this 21 year old “I'm gonna buy plane ticketson the Internet” ARE YOU NOW? WHOAOOOAOAOA Don't get crazy on us I might be too overwhelmed by this turn of events “I fired up my email” BLAZING SPEEDS REUIRED They actually do the “you hang up” “no you hang up” “no you” that gross couples tend to do And it was expectedly gross Someone on ONTD who liked this book yelled at me because I said that Christian is not a dominant they also said I wasn't 'experienced enough to understand' lol okay like you know who I am anon I still stand by that statement It's not what he's doing it's how he's doing it He is deeply troubled whiny and manipulative and while he does love control it's for the wrong reasons He was abused as a child and sexually abused as a 15 year old and vastly denies it and because of this he justifies his activities as personal preference when he is in fact a bit too fucked up to currently have a relationship He ends up making the naïve Anastasia batshit crazy because he continues to string her along trying to convince her they want the same things instead of getting himself some help He gives her the illusion that she has the choice to back out but then turns around and says ha ha I'm joking but I know where to find you by the way She goes to visit her mother because she needs a break from him to think and what does he do? Flies out there using his roundabout stalker way of finding information about where she's at like he always does to meet up have sex with her and take her out with him She's supposed to be visiting her mother and having time to think yet he can't stay away and makes this about HIM taking her away from time with her mom whom she hasn't seen in 6 months I can't at this selfish fucking bastard because he just can't stay awayIt makes me mad just thinking about someone that clingy Which is another thing that pisses me off almost everything about their whining and relationship conversations reminds me of everything I've hated about past relationships I've had How does ANYONE enjoy this book? How does anyone think that this is sexy that this depicts something they want?I can't evenI cannotAlso I should never have imagined Chuck and Blair from Gossip Girl as the main characters Now everytime I see a commercial for Gossip Girl rage courses through my bodyI'm bored Someone get me out of herePS Did you know that James recently stated she's set the bar for writing pretty high?CoolPlease do yourself a favor and go buy a book of much higher uality plot and writing ohhhh likeModelland


  2. says:

    What in the hell just happened? Did I really read that? Oh my god I did I did read that Meet Anastasia Steele Ana is just a giant mess of a human being She's insecure to the point of it being laughable 'klutzy' even though she only trips twice in the entire book and a complete ditz She's a virgin of course who's never taken any sexual interest in anyone before Right I'm fairly certain there hasn't been a woman this naive since 'round about 1954 At one point she thinks putting her hair in pigtails will keep her safe from Christian's lusty advances Fuckin' really? She flushes constantly and on several occasions referred to her hoo hoo naughty place as down there Next we have Christian Grey Christian is a misogynistic self loathing abusive piece of shit Apparently his only redeeming ualities are in this order; his ridiculous good looks his money and his giant penis The only time Ana seems to like him as a person is when he's being lovable and those times are few and far between Most of the time he's serious brooding and threatening How charmingI knew from the very first line this wasn't going to be good I scowl with frustration at myself in the mirror It was cemented that early my deep deep dislike for this moronic simpering asshole Your hair won't behave? Guess what? My suspicions were confirmed a few pages later when Ana admits that any sympathy she feels for her sick friend is unwelcome Unwelcome apparently because her friend is beautiful even when she has the flu? What a petty jealous cunt The only thing that made the first 4% of this book tolerable was the fact that I read it aloud to my younger brother and his freuent commentary was amusingly distracting Once he gave up however I had to travel the rest of the road alone What a painful journey it was My first impressions of Ana were bad deservedly so What were my first impressions of Christian? Well That's how I felt about Christian Grey From the beginning Any time an author tries to sell me on a character's charm by waxing hormonal about how ridiculously good looking he is I snicker inwardly I can't think why HuhAnyway after reading about the description of Christian's building hello first penis metaphor I had to sit through the awful dialogue between these smarmy idiots and hope beyond hope that something anything would distract me enough to see me through to the end Turns out I found something about 15% through I went back and counted and kept track throughout the rest of the book and do you have any idea how many fucking times Ana said Oh my in this monumentally bad missive? Do you? I'll tell you; 79 79 motherfucking times He pulled me back against his chest oh my He began kissing a trail down my belly oh my He's an insufferable douchenozzle oh my I'm just thankful that neither lions tigers nor bears were brought into this mess at any point About halfway through I wished I'd been keeping track of the word crap because Ana is constantly sayingthinking it Crap Holy Crap Double and Triple Crap Oh Crap This Crap That Crap any and all Crap Speaking of crap if I ever ever ever have to hearread the words inner goddess again I'm going to construct a pyre out of tampons and maxi pads light it and toss unsuspecting women into it ^My inner goddess will cap yours in the face if you don't shut the fuck up^I'm sorry I just couldn't take any of this seriously His playroom His playroom? Really? Or how about his weird ass issues with food? He wants the girl slim and in shape yet he won't stop trying to force her to eat I simply love the attempt EL James made at giving these pathetic shells personalities Ana wears Converse drives a vintage car and likes classic British lit Yawn haven't heard any of that before And Christian; we know Christian's super deep and sophisticated because he plays the piano and listens to obscure classical music This is how we know Edward Christian is really just a lost soul in need of love; his love of music Everyone knows that no one threatening listens to music Music lovers just aren't capable of doing anything bad ^Surprise Psychos like music too^Since this is considered nothing than mommy porn I will attempt to pander to that particular demographic for a moment Were the sex scenes well written? Well none of it was particularly well written The sex scenes could be kind ofhonestly they were kind of boring I've had exciting sex myself so I guess reader response to the sex scenes is dependent on reader experience There's nothing revolutionary here and a lot of it is just plain unrealistic I mean come on he pretty much jackhammers her hymen and she walks away with nothing than a passing pleasant soreness? Riiiight How about the time he gives her a handjob with a soapy washcloth? Hello? Apparently neither one of them has ever heard of a urinary tract infection Oh or we could talk about her first time giving Christian a blowjob during which Ana established herself as some kind of ueen of Deepthroat Anyone wanna hear about the tampon scene? Oh you've already heard about the tampon scene? Yeah same here although hearing about it and reading the actual scene are a bit different For some reason you imagine it being worse than it actually is while at the same time reading about it is horrifying than you could possibly imagine He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string what Andgently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet Look I'm not against sex during menses but a guy plucking out a girl's tampon? Yeah gross I'm not a prude but there are certain lines people just shouldn't cross What makes it worse is that Christian is just thrilled that Ana's raggin' because he hates using condoms Apparently Mr GinormoDick doesn't know that a woman can get pregnant while on her period Which is hilarious considering all the teaching and training he's doing to remedy Ana's sexual ignorance Sexual dependence thy name is Anastasia Steele We're supposed to believe that this girl has gone 21 years neither having had sex nor masturbating? Hm Well Christian's supposed sexual prowess makes a bit sense now as does Ana's assertion that he has a giant bologna wand She has absolutely zero experience and she's never once had anything in there Thing could be the size of a baby carrot and she'd still be like Oh my glob How is it ever going to fit? It's good that she stockpiled all those potential orgasms though because now she's capable of having like 15 a day or something It's ridiculous Come to think of it Christian's obsession with her eating habits makes a bit sense now She was probably beginning to look like something out of a horror movie Seriously though are we going to take the word of a girl who is apparently so undersexed she's never even masturbated? I guess I can sort of understand this obsession with some kind of an awakening butreally? Oh he's soooo good in bed How the hell would she know? She has absolutely nothing with which to compare not even her own damn hand Now I'll be totally honest the biggest issue I have with Fifty Shades of Shit is neither the sex nor the horrible writing It's the plot Thin as it is it's still there its core message being that given enough time you can change someone While I don't have any problem with this if all you're trying to do is help them to lose weight or uit smoking when you're talking about an emotionally and dangerously close to physically abusive relationship sending that kind of message is ridiculous and irresponsible Christian is controlling possessive condescending and cruel He doesn't allow Ana to behave as she normally would and Ana just puts up with it insistent that if she can give him what he wants when he wants as often as he wants she can eventually begin to pull his strings Will it work? In the books probably In real life? No Almost never How many misguided women are going to waste their lives on some emotionally retarded prick because they've read shit like this and think this kind of fucked up fairytale will come true for them? I've known women with this mentality Oh he's so dark and dangerous and threatening but he's got a sad lonely side and if I could just figure out what's wrong I could change him Wake the fuck up He may be hot he may have a huge dick he may even be rich that doesn't make him a good person It doesn't even make him a potentially good person uitBeingAFuckingIdiot Look I can make my words Staccato like Christian Now hold still while I choke you until you pass out ^Ana and Christian^ I said don't roll your eyes at meChristian stalks Ana which she turns into a fucking joke and whispers things to her threateningly She's constantly afraid he's going to beat the crap out of her and with good reason as he on than one occasion tells her he's going towants toPotential rape is downplayed Ana's friend Jake Jose starts pushing himself on her rather vehemently when they're both drunk Ana repeatedly says no but Jose just keeps trying to go in for the kill Admiral Chaps busts on up with his riding crop however and saves her Ana understandably avoids Jose for a while after that and when her other friend asks her why all Ana says is He made a pass at me Later on she and Jose are friends again the attempted kiss forgotten SighRapists appear to be a theme Christian tells Ana that he gets off on having complete and total control over another person This is not just in the bedroom but in Ana's overall life On several occasions he fails to yield when Ana says no plunging on regardless assured she'll like whatever he does anyway so why bother stopping? And there are women out there who think this is romantic I wish you the best of luck ladies Just keep in mind that while you're fantasizing about abusive misogynistic assholes like Grey there are a lot of women dealing with the horrors of actually living with men like him For all you ladies bustin' out your toys while daydreaming about Hunky Mr Grey I want you to do something for me It'll only take a moment Close your eyes Think about all the things Christian Grey does in the book Not just those supposed sweet things but really everything His condescension his control his insane jealousy his threatsand nowimagine he looks like this Still turned on? The end of the book was absolutely hilarious with Ana fleeing in emotional tumult because Christian can't give her what she needs love sniff And we're treated to her alternately being angry about the pain and humiliation she faced at Christian's hands and chastising herself for being a failure and for being mean to Christian It really is classic abuse mentality Yet I see her being touted by some as strong and independent It's this kind of ignorant trash that sets feminism back decades Women who defend this book are however unwittingly participating in some of the most blatant misogyny I've ever witnessed giving the impression that some women enjoy being debased abused and controlled outside of a consensual Domsub relationship This is not a book about BDSM this is a book about one sick abusive man and his obsession with a young naive invertebrate It's a book about a girl who has absolutely no sense of self who sacrifices any pretense of individuality in order to hold onto a man who doesn't even show her the faintest glimmer of respect It's about two attention starved individuals with the emotional maturity of toilet paper convincing themselves that their relationship is 'like the best thing ever OMG' It's trite insulting and dangerous I fear for any impressionable young women who read this and think that this is how an ideal relationship should operate If nothing else it should be issued as a guidebook to mothers around the world to show their daughters the kind of man to avoid at all costs This book does good men and indeed all of humanity a disservice SighA bestseller They're thinking of turning it into a movieI can't Word Count Oh My 79Crap 101Jeez 82Holy shitfuckcraphellcowmoses 172Whoa 13Gasp 34Gasps 11Sharp Intake of Breath 4Murmur 68Murmurs 139Whisper 96Whispers 103Mutter 28Mutters 23Fifty 16Lip 71Inner goddess 58Subconscious 82Click here for my review of Fifty Shades Darker Fifty Shades #2


  3. says:

    Trigger Warning This review contains strong themes to include rapeBefore I begin what will likely become a very long rantpublic service announcement let me first say a few words I have nothing against EL James Nothing She’s said that this series is a fantasy she managed to put on paper and that she never expected it to gain such momentum Good for her for perusing her dream of writing If this book also fulfills one of your fantasies or if you just plain enjoyed it good for you too This review is in no way meant to belittle or condemn you for liking these books and nor is it an attack on the author These are solely MY OPINIONS about how dangerous FSoG is to society and specifically to women Needless to say this book does not fulfill one of my fantasies It’s pretty much my biggest nightmare“But it’s just fiction”No You can’t use that argument with me Not any This book is not “just fiction” This book has become a frigging phenomenon As I write this over 70 million copies have been sold in the United States alone hardware stores have run out of “natural fiber” rope and there are even ‘BDSM for Beginners’ classes cropping up in small town AmericaSo excuse me but I can’t just read this and think of it like a fantasy not when it’s become a reality for so many people and not when I was so enraged by what I found within itOkay everyone take a deep breath grab a cup of coffee or a glass of wine and settle in We’re going to be here for a while First up is probably the most inflammatory of the statements I’m going to make so we might as well rip the band aid offTHIS BOOK PERPETUATES THE RAPE CULTURE WE WERE ALL RAISED INThere I’ve said it I’m not taking it back and I’m not apologizing If you’re unfamiliar with this phrase allow me to elaborate Wikipedia defines rape culture as “A term used within women's studies and feminism describing a culture in which rape and other sexual violence usually against women are common and in which prevalent attitudes norms practices and media condone normalize excuse or encourage sexualized violence”Let’s look at the first half of that definition As much as we may want to ignore the facts rape and sexual violence are common in America According to RAINN the nation’s largest anti sexual violence organization someone in the US is sexually assaulted every 2 minutes On average that’s about 207754 sexual assaults each year 54% of sexual assaults are not reported 97% of rapists will never spend a day in jail and 23 of these assaults are committed by someone known to the victimI could go on for days about how prevalent attitudes practices and the media condone sexual violence but I won’t because I’m really going to try and keep my words and links relevant to FSoG Thankfully throughout my research I found severalhundredThe University of California has an interesting article about how social and cultural norms perpetuate rape and rape culture In it they specifically address how women are conditioned from early ages to be passive and accept and affect certain attitudes and behaviors Here are some of the social rules they list and elaborate on1 When spoken to a woman must acknowledge the other person with a gracious smile2 Women must answer uestions asked of them3 Women must not bother other people or make a scene because they are uncomfortable4 When in trouble it is best to defer to the protection and judgment of men5 Casual touching or suggestive comments in social settings are meant as a tribute to a woman’s desirability6 It is the natural state of affairs for men to carry the financial burden of social situations7 When engaged in a social encounter it is not proper for a woman to superior in any game sport or discussion if she wants to be accepted8 Women should always accept and trust the kindness of strangers if they offer helpThere’s a blog post by Harriet Jacobs that also speaks to this and I urge you to read it in its entirety In short it says “women are raised being told by parents teachers media peers and all surrounding social strata that· it is not okay to set solid and distinct boundaries and reinforce them immediately and dramatically when crossed “mean bitch”· it is not okay to appear distraught or emotional “crazy bitch”· it is not okay to make personal decisions that the adults or other peers in your life do not agree with and it is not okay to refuse to explain those decisions to others “stuck up bitch”· it is not okay to refuse to agree with somebody over and over and over again “angry bitch”· it is not okay to have or express conflicted fluid or experimental feelings about yourself your body your sexuality your desires and your needs “bitch got daddy issues”· it is not okay to use your physical strength if you have it to set physical boundaries “dyke bitch”· it is not okay to raise your voice “shrill bitch”· it is not okay to completely and utterly shut down somebody who obviously likes you “mean dykefrigid bitch”Now how do these two examples relate to FSoG? Simply put Ana the main character in this series continuously exhibits the behaviors listed in the rules and seems to have the mentality of those listed in the bullets She might as well be the case study on which both were basedEarly in the book there’s an interaction between her and a young man named Paul the son of the couple she works for This is someone she says has “always been a buddy” Just after they greet each other with a hug “he releases me but keeps a possessive arm draped over my shoulder I shuffle from foot to foot embarrassed It’s good to see Paul but he’s always been overly familiar”Does she tell him that she’s uncomfortable or step out from beneath his arm? No that’d be going against everything that rule number three has taught her Plus she wouldn’t want to come across as a “mean bitch” now would she? Just after this Paul asks her out “Whenever he’s home he asks me on a date and I always say no It’s a ritual” Is it a ritual? Or is it something than that? Has Ana like many of us been conditioned to follow the rules to such a degree that she doesn’t know how to tell him “It’s not okay to keep asking me out”? Is she so terrified of breaking cultural norms and coming across as a mean crazy angry dyke shrill frigid bitch that she’ll put up with his pursuit of her indefinitely? Or does she just not know to put a stop to it because she hasn’t been taught to?When she turns him down yet again he goes on to say “Ana one of these days you’ll say yes” Creeped out yet? You should be How does Ana respond to this declaration? By escaping the room they’re in and getting back to a crowded store floor What does this tell us? She felt the need to flee She felt the need to not be alone with him Part of her clearly recognized the danger of the situation and the repeated advances of her “friend” But instead of speaking up she fledShe never voices her discomfort She is the submissive uiet person that society has taught her to be And 70 million people have read about her and have had these dangerously passive behaviors reinforced yet again through her actions behaviors and words or lack thereofHow will this same mentality play out in a situation involving sexual assault? I can tell you because just a few chapters later she’s sexually assaulted by another of her “friends” “José I’m okay I’ve got this” I try to push him away rather feebly “Ana please” he whispers and now he’s holding me in his arms pulling me close“José what are you doing?”“You know I like you Ana please” He has one hand at the small of my back holding me against him the other at my chin tipping back my head Holy fuckhe’s going to kiss me“No José stop – no” I push him but he’s a wall of hard muscle and I cannot shift him His hand has slipped into my hair and he’s holding my head in place “Please Ana carińo” he whispers against my lips He gently trails kisses along my jaw up to the side of my mouth I feel panicky drunk and out of control The feeling is suffocating“José no” I plead I don’t want thisLuckily Ana is spared further abuse because the one and only Christian Grey arrives on the scene and saves her How? By saying “I think the lady said no” That’s right Ana can try to push José away and tell him ‘no’ multiple times but that’s not good enough One sentence from a man and José immediately releases her bringing us back to rule number four When in trouble it is best to defer to the protection and judgment of men You got that ladies? Don’t try to fight back because you’ll just be ignored rely instead on a man Sort of a catch 22 when the one who’s going to get you into trouble will likely also be a manBear in mind that this little scene takes place in the parking lot outside of a crowded bar just a shout away from salvation You’re probably wondering why Ana didn’t scream Why she didn’t fight harder Well I’d like to bring up Harriet Jacob’s blog post again because just after her “bitch list” she says this “If we teach women that there are only certain ways they may acceptably behave we should not be surprised when they behave in those waysAnd we should not be surprised when they behave these ways during attempted or completed rapesWomen who are taught not to speak up too loudly or too forcefully or too adamantly or too demandingly are not going to shout “NO” at the top of their goddamn lungs just because some guy is getting uncomfortably closeWomen who are taught not to keep arguing are not going to keep saying “NO”Women who are taught that their needs and desires are not to be trusted are fickle and wrong and are not to be interpreted by the woman herself are not going to know how to argue with “but you liked kissing I just thought”Women who are taught that physical confrontations make them look crazy will not start hitting kicking and screaming until it’s too late if they do at allNobody obtains the superpower to behave dramatically differently during a frightening confrontation Women will behave the same way they have been taught to behave in all social professional and sexual interactions”Eerie isn’t it? I sure thought so Hopefully by now you’re beginning to understand the inflammatory statement this all started withNot only do Ana’s actions and behaviors throughout the book reinforce the horrible societal conditioning that I mentioned earlier but this series also contains a lot of the other facets of rape culture like victim silencing For instance once she’s collected herself this happens “Turning I glance at José who looks pretty shamefaced himself and like me intimidated by Grey I glare at him I have a few choice words for my so called friend none of which I can repeat in front of Christian Grey CEO Ana who are you kidding? He’s just seen you hurl all over the ground and into the local flora There’s no disguising you lack of ladylike behavior”That’s right folks It isn’t ladylike to yell shrill bitch It isn’t ladylike to swear crazy bitch It isn’t ladylike to defend yourself after you’ve just been sexually assaulted mean bitch Leave that to the menfolk Surely they’ll defend you Surely they’ll be the ones to address the fact that you were just sexually assaulted Men you know the other sex the ones that have been raised to talk about emotions In publicAnd while we’re discussing this scene we can’t forget about rule number eight Women should always accept and trust the kindness of strangers if they offer help That’s what Christian is to her at this point in the book A stranger She’s seen him only three times in formal or work related settings and knows nothing about him other than he’s rich good looking and that his shopping list resembles those of serial killers I’ll get to that last part later in the review But accept his help and trust his kindness she does She lets this complete stranger remove her from the bar assuming that as he’s just saved her from a sexual assault he's not planning one of his ownWhen she wakes up in his suite the next morning pantsless by the way she accuses Christian of stalking her He defends himself by saying “if I hadn’t come to get you you’d probably waking up in the photographer’s José’s bed and from what I can remember you weren’t overly enthused about him pressing his suit” he Christian says acidly Pressing his suit I glance up at Christian He’s glaring at me eyes blazing aggrieved I try to bit my lip but I fail to repress my giggle“Which Medieval chronicle did you escape from? You sound like a courtly knight”You got that? Stalking’s okay Because it’s better than being rapedfacepalmI’m almost at a loss at how to address the rest of this without copious amounts of swearing How little she’s concerned with her “friend’s” behavior is appalling That there’s no thought on her end about Christian’s allusion to her rape escape is appalling How she glosses over it all and makes a fucking joke about it is appalling It continues by the way “I would have been fine I was with Kate”“And the photographer?” he Christian snaps at me“José just got out of line” I shrugA shrug is a dismissive gesture just in case you were wondering She dismisses sexual assault as ‘getting out of line’ She downplays the severity of what happened Why does she do this? Because it’s awkward to talk about it? Because it’s scary to think that someone she knows and trusts assaulted her and that when she tried to push him away and said ‘no’ he ignored her? Guess what? It’s always going to suck to talk about It’s always scary to realize that statistics say that if you’re raped you’ll know your attacker But we need to talk about these things because if we don’t nothing will ever changeAnd now the grand finale victim shaming and blaming You see José feels bad for what he did At first Ana is pissed at him as she should be and even after he calls her numerous times and leaves several messages she continues to ignore him deciding to “let him stew” Then the NEXT DAY this happens The memory of José’s attempted kiss haunts me I’m beginning to feel a bit cruel not calling him backShe feels cruel? She feels cruel for not returning the calls of the man that forced himself upon her? Well of course she does She's been trained to be gracious and polite He's addressing her Rule number one has taught her that she should smile in this situation so it would make sense that she feels bad for not doing so Two days later they talk “Can I see you? I’m sorry about Friday night I was drunkand youwell Ana – please forgive me”“Of course I forgive you José Just don’t do it again You know I don’t feel like that about you”Here’s where I start to get really angry “and you” what exactly? Were there? Were breathing? Had tits? How can José’s behavior in any way be blamed on Ana? This is the “she deserved to be raped because she was wearing a skirt” mentality that needs to be burned from our collective minds No one can ever make you do anything Everything you do every way you behave is a choice that you and you alone make So no there is no “and you”Books like this with scenes like the ones I’ve spoken about only perpetuate our silence our ignorance our discomfort and our complicity They reinforce unhealthy behaviors and thinking patterns and they perpetuate rape culture Authors I beg you don’t cover tough issues and strong themes if you can’t do them justice Grant them the depth and the severity they deserve PleaseBlog | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram | Pinterest


  4. says:

    Introducing an even abusive and disturbing TWILIGHT Now with whips and chains Fifty Shades of Shit Haters please exit stage leftI'm not sure what possessed me to pick up Fifty Shades of Grey I thought I might genuinely like it before I started but all I was left with was one hell of a mindfuck Whatever it was that brought on this knee jerk purchase seems to have mercifully left me with enough common sense to say I will not be continuing on with this seriesRecently I discovered one of my favorite publishers Random House has picked up Fifty Shades of Grey and made this statementAn orig­i­nal work and said to us that James had war­ranted the books were indeed orig­i­nal Mes­sitte added she was “aware of the nar­ra­tive that 50 SHADES started as dif­fer­ently titled piece of fic­tion but that they were and are two dis­tinctly sep­a­rate pieces of workI'm sorry but I'm going to have to call bull shit on that Fifty Shades of Grey and Master of the Universe the original fan fic are essentially the same thing The biggest difference being Edward and Bella's name being replaced with Christian and Anastasia respectively And I would know this because I have both and while I was reading I would occasionally switch back and forth between the two without difficulty I'd go through and give you examples myself but other people have done it already here and here So if you must read this book do yourself a solid and find the fan fic online You even get the second book tooI know some people claim this has no similarities to Twilight and got dammit I'm allergic to all the bull shit Do I really need to point this all out? Because it looks pretty obvious to me The mannerisms of the characters are exactly the same They even say similar things the original characters say The whole dazzle line and Edward asking Bella to trust him Her mother being remarried with the same inability to maneuver her way around a kitchen Bella is still trying to save Edward from himself due to his troubled past Edward still stalks and controls Bella only now he gets to hit her when she gets out of linefacepalm Shall I beat them both? Yes?I struggled to come up with a proper review for this book and couldn't figure out why I was feeling rather uninspired to write one And then I figured it out I was left so disgusted by this book that I wanted to purge the memory of its existence from my mind With a rusty nail Every time I thought of the book my brain cells would go on strike yelling obscenities at me  Anyway I thought Bella and Edward's relationship couldn't get any fucked up than Twilight I stand corrected If I were to describe FSoG in one sentence it would be this Fifty Shades of Grey is like Twilight on steroids high on ecstasy in a dirty little corner A very dirty corner With badly written sex LotsSexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexohsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexFifty Shades of Grey tells the story of the beautiful but of course she doesn't know it naive virgin Anastasia Steal after she is suckered into interviewing the Greek god Christian Grey Of course sparks fly and for some unknown reason he can't seem to stay away from this incredibly unremarkable girl  Ana discovers Christian is into BDSM and desires her as his submissive fuck buddyThere are a myriad of problems with this novel many of which ironically can be found in Twilight Never saw that one coming ChristianEdward is still a controlling bastard only now he hides behind his BDSM practices to camouflage his abusive tendencies However Ana doesn't see it that way She thinks of him as a broken person and it's her duty to fix him Even when he says things like thisI want to hurt you But not beyond anything you couldn't takeCan you believe she let's him beat her after that? And please don't even bother to tell me that it's just BDSM No just fucking no Ana is genuinely afraid of Christian and is never entirely comfortable with the punishment aspect of their relationship But Christian just manipulates her with sex to continue the relationship And that's what really gets me I just have a hard time believing a virgin would somehow become a sex goddess overnight because that is exactly what happens When she first is introduced to his kinky lifestyle and tells him she is a virgin he immediately tells her he needs to handle that situation before they could continue What? Since when is your virginity a situation? But that's not really the kicker Oh no because that is when we are introduced to Ana's two best friends Everyone say hi to SexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexohsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexAnna's inner goddess who always cheers her on when Christian wants sex or wants to punish her She's also uite annoying doing back flips at the mention of anything sexual related Simmer down Where did she come from exactly? Ana is in her twenties and has never felt the urge to have sex with anyone until Christian comes along with his whips and chains?And Ana's sub conscious who hides behind couches when it comes time for her beating When it comes to Ana having sex with Christian well her sub conscious only has one thing to say So after the situation is handled Ana has to sign a contract agreeing to his sexual demands and also outlining things she won't do It was pretty pointless considering he still got what he wanted and she never signed the damn thing He exploits her stalks her and abuses her She cries after sex She is afraid of him being angry Even when he is angry at something else she thinks it's her Her reasoning for allowing him to hit her as his therapy is because she's afraid to lose him That is not a reason for agreeing to a BDSM lifestyle In fact that's not even really consent These uotes just scream domestic abuse to mePlease don't be angry with me I whisperPlease don't hit me I whisper pleadingHis brow furrows his eyes widening He blinks twiceI don't want you to spank me Not here Not now Please don'tYeah he's a real catch that one Barf No excuse me That's not right The barfing came when the little ass wipe PULLED HER TAMPON OUT AND RAMMED HIMSELF INSIDE OF HER OMFG Yes the caps were totally necessary because that was the most disgusting thing I have ever had the misfortune of reading That is not sexy that's foulWhenever Ana thinks about leaving him he comes over to her apartment unannounced pounds into her literally and her inner goddess does a fucking happy dance forgetting her urge to kick his sick ass to the curb They fight they breakup They kiss they sex upSexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexohsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexChristian Do you still want me gone Ana?Inner goddess growlSub conscious Dance puppet DanceThe writing is a shitty mess too I mean if I had to sit and read Ana saying Holy shit or Holy Fuck or Oh my one time I was going to lose it I wanted to take my red pen and have at this book so badly It was the little things like Ana's roommate saying over and over You never cry Ana and what do we find Ana always doing? Crying I'm not sure where the hell the plot was smacks forehead How silly of me Didn't I mention this was a Twilight retelling? Why was I expecting a plot? And another example of poor writing for these characters to be American they sounded very British to me They used phrases that Americans don't useAnd now I'm trying to figure out why this book is so popular Why do so many women love this book? I get the appeal of the bondage even though it's not my usual cup of tea Whips? Chains? Sounds excitingSexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexohsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex Abuse? Not so muchFuck my life Zero starsEh I'm off to read a good book now and possibly to bleach my brainMore reviews at Cuddlebuggery Book Blog


  5. says:

    In the words of Miss Steele You need to sort your shit out Grey Good day sir Fifty Shades of Grey like Fifty shades of fucked up nonsense rolls eyes I should get a medal for just finishing this tripe I honestly do NOT feel like revisiting this book and writing a review I’d rather spend the time searching for ways to remove this utter nonsense from my memory However this book is so bad that I feel the need to warn others from this drivel Luckily I did not buy this garbage I do not even know what overcame me to read it and I can only blame a momentary lack of judgment on my partWhat baffles me is the scary fangirlgasm following this book So what’s causing it a hit? I can only come up with ‘twilight’ Doing some research this book was originally posted online as a twilight fanfic Yes a twilight fanfic The fact that this book’s source material isn’t a good piece of literature just shows what you should expect from this book And dubbing it a twilight fanfic and promoting it as such is no doubt raising the bar on the sale figures What has the world come to? headdesk Whatever’s causing its success; I can safely say it can’t be the book itselfEverything you could possibly imagine is wrong with this book The execution and the characters And the writing And the plot wait was there one?? Firstly it has been said a countless number of times how abusive Bella and Edward’s relationship was And it is arguably the most anti feminist portrayal of any relationship FSoG simply continues this unhealthy view and promotes an even abusive and degrading relationship towards women targeting older women and possibly even teenage girls who know no better Oh dear god I hope teenage girls do not jump on this disturbing bandwagon Surely it is degrading to ask a woman to sign a contract where ‘she is now the property of the Dominant to be dealt with as the Dominant pleases’ and ‘submitting herself to any sexual activity demanded by the Dominantwithout hesitation or argument’ – especially when you take into consideration the fact that she would be signing up to something she has not yet experienced and knows little about as she is still a virgin This is not something that should be promoted as desirable or idealistic This book cheapens what feminists have fought for years Don’t get me wrong I wouldn't deprive women of their right to express themselves sexually nor to act upon their desires but I shudder at the thought of women aspiring to a relationship where she will take part in various things that she is not comfortable with and at times even when she’s genuinely in fear of taking part simply because she finds the guy ‘hot’The plot I’m not even sure if there was one 50% of the book is spent talking about sexthe contract and the other 50% is made up of clumsily written sex scenes view spoilerFSoG starts of with Anastasia Steele agreeing to interview the billionaire Christian Grey Miss Steele is instantly captivated by Mr Grey’s dashing looks and within 2 days she falls in love with him Mr Grey for some unfathomable reason can’t keep away from her and reveals to her his secret kinky lifestyle The two spend the rest of the romantic evening calmly discussing the contract that allows him to fuck her senseless She reveals to him that she’s a virgin and his only response he needs to handle that ‘situation’ Really?? The next 4 days he gets to do exactly what he wants he stalks her abuses her and punishes her by spanking her several times uotes that spring to mind – “Please don’t hit medon’t be angry with medon’t want you to spank me” Aww isn’t that romantic? Atleast she finally sees some sense and walks out hide spoiler


  6. says:

    Garbage Absolutely horrifying utter trash A waste of trees bookshelf space and precious oh so very fucking precious braincells Honestly why is this even published? Every single book store in Sydney is promoting this tripe claiming it to be some kind of awesome romance novel Are you absolutely shitting me? There is nothing romantic at all about this 'book' And I don't mean the BDSM erotica themes I mean the fifty levels of abuse in this friggin' thing In fact that's what this book should be called 'Fifty shades of absolute fucking insanity and abuse' I know at least every one star reviewer has taken the title and created their own pun with it but fuck it I'm jumping on the bandwagon too Before I decided to read this God help me I kept seeing it everywhere I went and the book store where I work was involved in the promotion among other book store chains Typical All me and my co workers knew that it was smut and a hell of a lot of it too We even turned the book into a drinking game and it goes as thus Flip to a random page of the book If it's something dirty take a drink I do not recommend this game for one could die from alcohol poisoning within the first round But if you're feeling adventurous by all means Glad I could be of service to your crazy party ideas But anyway let's cut to my opinion of this abomination of literature I decided to read it because it sounded like garbage and I haven't written a review about garbage in too long I owed something to the people who actually found me worthwhile to follow on Goodreads So I decided hell I'll review this Brain cells I will never ever EVER get backThis is literally the worst book I have ever read and I say that about many books But this is the worst book for a damn good reason Let's talk about what I hated about this book The bottom line is I hated absolutely everything And I'm not saying that to be funny I'm saying that out of all seriousness I didn't find a single redeeming uality in this book With the Hush hush series we at least had the unintentional hilarity and the awesomeness of Marcie In Twilight we had that chick who wanted to kill Bella and Tyler's van Fifty shades of Grey has no such redeeming ualities The characters are bland and merely props to set the stage for fucking weird BDSM ing and the plot was lost somewhere in the vagina of the author's wet dream Believe me I feel weird for even typing these words Not to mention even though everyone already knows this this was originally a Twilight fan fiction called 'Master of the universe' or some shitty stupid title like that How did such a thing get published? What Twilight wasn't horrible and abuse glorifying enough so we had to kick it up a notch with publishing 'Master of the universe'? Are you people serious? Why is it that dumber and dumber things are getting published? uality is almost non existent Fucking hell But before I rant on for hours about that let's talk about the characters Oh I mean props Yeah props is appropriate Why? Because the characters for all the personality they had may as well have been props Our first main prop is Ana aka Bella Swan The plain virginal wallflower who thinks lowly of herself whilst everyone around her just seems to freaking worship her She is also clumsy reads books has divorced parents doesn't get along with her step father and is a brain dead moronic twat Remind you of anyone? I wonder who you're thinking of That is a humdinger isn't it? I'm amazed how many women are not pissed off with her complete lack of sense and self respect She lets a man abuse her physically and emotionally and allows him to satiate his ever growing need to control her completely passing it off as some cute obsessive habit And even if she has doubts and runs away she comes running back to him only seconds after How are people not pissed off about this? Seriously? Not to mention she has zero personality zero brain cells and zero common sense Her character serves no purpose other than becoming some abusive asshole's sex toy And let's not forget our second main prop Christian Grey aka Edward Cullen aka creepy stalker sociopathic megalomaniacal abusive horrifying asshole The fact that he has fangirls in the real world has pretty much ruined my faith in mankind and the new generation Christian Gray pretty much pushes the limits that Edward Cullen Patch Daniel and others have yet to push due to their PG ratings but fuck does Christian Grey push those fucking limits He physically abuses Ana and it somehow gets excused on the account that she was briefly aroused by it SERIOUSLY PEOPLE?? SERIOUSLY?? Fuck my life He also decides what she should eat what she should wear how she should act speak communicate with him where she can and can't go or what she can and can't do threatens her constantly even with physical violence and the list goes on I kid you not He even has this set out as a contract which by the way is repeated at least 5 times in the fucking book Here's another example of how romantic this mother fucker is I like the control it gives me Anastasia I want you to behave in a particular way and if you don't I shall punish you and you will learn to behave the way I desireSee? Romantic as freaking Mel Gibson And by the way the women who find this guy romantic need some serious therapy Seriously Harsh I know but finding this guy romantic is like like excusing the actions of a child molester because he has nice hair This is not romantic This is ABUSIVE and WRONG on sooooo many levelsI don't know why they decided to plant this book in the general romance section This is not romantic And don't give me the 'IT'S MEANT TO BE BDSM SO IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE ALL DOM VS SUB' This goes way beyond the good ol' BDSM theme and just ends up treading into abusive territory Christian takes these aspects into the relationship where he ends up not only controlling a woman sexually but also emotionally and deliberately moulding her into not just a sex partner but an ideal of what he wants her to be and leaves her no room for her individuality and instead brands it as 'punishable' That's not part of the BDSM jig I'm sorry but it's not Why people even call this romantic is beyond me I already mentioned the abusive aspects of this so called relationship but other than that it was a relationship built on air Since neither of the characters had any personality outside their sex drives they had nothing that they saw in each other They couldn't relate to each other they didn't share any common interests they didn't do any good for each other outside the sexy stuff And at the end they want to pass it off as though the two are actually in love? Give me a break Watching people get swooped at by magpies is romantic that this garbageThe plot? There was no plot Seriously I could not find it ANYWHERE I searched and searched but alas my search has left me unrewarded Let me explain in a uick paragraph how this book goes'Girl meets some guy Some guy is hot Girl thinks some guy is hot Hot some guy shows up where girl who thinks some guy is hot works Hot some guy asks out girl takes her virginity Stuff happens Hot some guy introduces girl who thinks he's hot by the way to his BDSM sex dungeon and the next half of the book is spent pondering whether or not girl who thinks some guy is hot in case it wasn't mentioned enough in the book wants to indulge in hot some guy's fantasies Also the hot some guy takes complete control over girl did I mention she thinks he's hot? who seems to be totally okay with it More stuff happens Girl gets spanked too hard breaks up with hot some guy The end'That's it That's the whole book And the whole 'Ohhh Christian has secrets' bullcrap in the blurb? Bullcrap His secrets are mentioned in only 5% of the book and drive the plot nowhere The book is only about how some asshole wants to control some stupid girl The other characters are barely relevant They were just props whose only role was to be interested in the 'relationship' between Ana and Christian They didn't seem to be interested in anything else They could be buttering toast and thinking 'I wonder how hard Christian is fucking Ana right now'An absolute waste The media might be promoting this tripe as the new hero of literature but this is and always will be just another wart on the ass of literature along with Twilight and all its' descendants You know what they say you can polish a turd but it will still be a turd


  7. says:

    Head's up If any of you fuckers comment at the bottom of this review and say You don't understand BDSM I will hunt you down and make you eat your computer plus the mouse plus the keyboard plus any other internet connected devices in your home including but not limited to iPhones iPods iPads Androids games consoles and ereaders This book is not an accurate or healthy portrayal of a real BDSM relationship between two consensual and enthusiastic parties Thus by defending it as such you are doing a disservice to the actual culture of BDSM no kinkshaming So don't fuck with me and try to pull that shitOh also there will be a substantial amount of cussing throughout this review If you care about the sanctity of your virgin eyes then shut down your computer and go do something else We are all grown ass adults and this is the internet If you're going to come over and here and lecture me about swearing then I'd advise that you PIPE the fuck down and stop being so bloody delicate Alrighty then You guessed it guys it's story timeWhen I was thirteen I decided I wanted to be an author For years I'd chattered away about being an architect or a vet or what have you but who was I kidding? All I ever wanted to do was write So I sat down and I did I did writeI'm actually not shitting you I thought it would be as easy as sitting down and writing some crap on Wordpad alright calm down this was the noughties and I wrote a lot of crap I tried to write a play and then I tried poetry and then I wrote short stories before eventually expanding into novels Novels is a stretch I wrote about a hundred single spaced pages and to my present day horror made my family read it And they actually did Remember all those embarrassingly awful school projects you did when you were thirteen? Or even just those embarrassingly awful things you did in general when you were thirteen? I feel the same level of shame when I think of my little preteen self handing this pile of shit over to my sister and thinking I actually had somethingAbout a year later with zero knowledge of how publishing works I posted it straight into a bunch of indie publisher's slushpiles A vanity publisher replied to me and told me they didn't want my work and I did the undoable I argued with themAs I write this I'm practically convulsing with embarrassment Vanity Publisher if you're reading this please forget I ever existed But if you can't do that at least give me an alias when you tell all your friends about that dumb kid who sent you the book about pyromania without having done any researchIn some ways having read this book I finally feel like I identify with that vanity publisher I read someone's irredeemable shit and hated it but then they tried to defend it and I got so mad I broke a window with my facePeeps if you think EL James hasn't tried to defend this shit then you need to get on YouTube and watch some pleading vids from the publisherI justI haven't read a book this awful since Revealing Eden but let's not open that can of worms It was like an acid trip Am I reading this I thought? Is this actually a published book? Are people actually parting with money for this slab of steaming garbage?I feel like this book insulted me really I feel like it spat in my face because what reader respecting author would create a protagonist this redundant and awe inspiringly dense expecting an audience to love and respect her? It's as if someone took an ice cream scoop and relieved Ana of her brain How could you? Why would you? Why is she?I justI have no words I have no words to explain this protagonist None at all I have to say about the love interest who's like a threatening Charles Manson but with only one brainwashed follower Ana This guy goes to the hardware store and buys like chains and lime and shit and Ana doesn't think this is weird?What the fucking fuck?And of course there's the whole inner goddess shit and Ana thinking that it's sexy to wear a chunky knit sweater and be strapped into a vehicle and then using the word vagina during a sex scene Oh he touched my vaginaYeah excuse me while I tame my bonerI felt so uncomfortable reading this book Now let's be honest here I read porn Of course I read porn Anyone over sixteen who says they've never looked at or read porn is talking out of their ass But this book made me feel uncomfortable and here's the kicker I read it alone I was reading it alone in my living room and I felt uncomfortable inside my own head What the fuck does that tell you?I don't want to start yammering on about the way this book is written It's written like horrendous fanfiction There are spelling and punctuation errors stupid turns of phrase random asides stilted dialogue awful physical descriptions weird pacing and I don't know like a thousand instances of brand dropping and band naming which gives the book this bizarre cheap and dated uality that really takes away from what little redeeming features it might have hadWhat are the redeeming features? I don't know The blurb sounds interesting That's about itBut what is it about this book that's captured the attention of so many millions of people across the world? The absurdly stupid protagonist? The pushy obsessive totally unrealistic love interest? The relationship in which only one party is actually interested in BDSM and the other is incredibly resistant to it but is forced into it? The terrible writing? The awful cover art? The cheap thin binding? A story so convoluted so ridiculous so totally immature it could only ever have been born from Twilight? There is nothing enjoyable about this book This book is garbage There are no two ways about it it is shit Awful awful shit And I'm not sorry for saying so This is my fucking opinion and I'm damn well going to voice it This book can kiss my ass


  8. says:

    0 stars DNF 55% Review edited February 12 2015“Sex is than an act of pleasure it's the ability to be able to feel so close to a person so connected so comfortable that it's almost breathtaking to the point you feel you can’t take it And at this moment you're a part of them 
 Author unknown 

I've had a rather long list of issues when I decided to abandon ship FSoShit is garbage and if I had read a paperback I would have burned the fucking offending thing It's a total mystery to me why this book ever saw the light of day because let's face it the writing is incredibly juvenile The story and characters are extremely poorly written and I couldn't for the life of me connect with the dumb clumsy naïve and immature heroine Also the slimy whacko didn't deserve to be called hero Christian is a highly manipulative abusive and stalker ish asshole His whispers didn't endear him to me either He came off as a total creep I honestly don't understand what Ana saw in him yet on the other hand I didn't get it why Christian would stalk that bland and vapid wallflower In any event these two deserved each other and Ana obviously enjoyed Grey's blunt and crude approachThe whole contract business was pretty much mind boggling I don't believe that a healthy and consensual Domsub relationship could be based upon such crappy and ridiculous rulesChristian the rich Superman sarcasm deflowered our wallflower in a way that's not even worthy of losing any words over that pathetic fuck So you did guess right I neither found the sex to be hot nor erotic AtAll Thus I'd better buy him a ticket to the next Mars expedition stat That would ensure that Mr Grey would not return to our cozy place called Mother EarthFSoG lacked depth and emotion big time Except of disgust and anger I felt nothing towards these pathetic main protagonists and their fucked up trip bored me to tearsThe winking smileys irritated the hell outta me and all that inner goddess shit made me almost blow a fuse JesusFuckingChrist Would you give me a break already? I've read a variety of erotica books and I do enjoy great smexin' that comes with some kind of depth and great characterization However I'm not sorry to say that FSoG is ranking among the worst erotica books I've ever readWhat's seriously bugging me as well is the fact that the general public thinks that FSoShit provides almost every woman's erotic fantasy I don't criticize readers who loved this book but I'm criticizing the media coverage I don't appreciate it when these people claim to know that's what a general majority of women love to read and want in real life or in the bedroom for that matter Seriously? Never Ever FSoG is bad erotica It's bad BDSM too When people say FSoG is “empowering women in their sexuality” then I think something is seriously wrong Never ever could this story empower me in my sexuality What in God’s name is on their minds? I can do it all by myself with my very healthy hand and I can gladly say that my boyfriend is empowering me just fine and is taking care of my needs Thank you very much BTW my boyfriend is not an abusive and manipulative stalker Oh yes now it dawns on memy boyfriend is realBottom line the barely there plot and the characters were overly shallow underdeveloped immature and boring The amateurish writing killed any desire to read anything else by this author in the future And last but not least my inner goddess was so fucking relieved when she had to uit eventually It was a very tedious and crappy experience and I wish I had never bought this book let alone attempted to go through this rubbish I was in dire need of bleaching my brainChristopher Hitchens said Everybody does have a book in them but in most cases that's where it should stay As a side note


  9. says:

    I didn’t want to start this book Many people are praising it but I’m simply not into erotica it’s too cheap for me But here I am in the mind of the innocent waiting to be devoured by the big bad wolf Sounds pornographic doesn’t it? That’s because it is Christian Grey A hot dude that melts a woman’s panties off with just one look The perfect sex toy set out to conuer an innocent girl Grey the sick fck is considered one of the hottest characters out there but he doesn’t get to me His dominance is too much for me to handle and his attitude tends to be annoying and slimy Plus he’s just wrong in the head so there’s no need to add about this creep Anastasia is an immature insecure desperate idiot who wants to become the whore of Babylon She just wants to listen to her inner goddess wtf? and have creepy monkey sex with Grey She has no personality nor will whatsoever she gets excited over the smallest and most idiotic things you can imagine and even though she sees how wrong Grey the sick fck is she still goes for it She’s always mooning over Grey like he’s some kind of god that she’s supposed to worship He tells her that he doesn’t want a serious relationship just sex and she’s still ok with it Why? Just because he’s hot? He’s a damn disgusting pervert He hurt her the first time they made love she was a virgin for Christ’s sake and I don’t buy the crap with it being perfect surely she had vaginal cracks after that and is treating her like a slave Even though he’s a successful businessman and he’s rich and famous he still can be a psychopath Just watch American Psycho and you’ll know what I’m talking aboutNow to pick on one of my biggest problems regarding this book THE CONTRACT WTF may I ask? Signing paperwork in order to have sex with him? Is he a natural hazard or what? I get the whole Hey look at me I’m badass I have my own company and helicopter gig ‘cause the guy is stinking rich but the contract??? Isn’t anyone getting angry with this? I guess not “Why would I do that?”“To please me” Wtf?? All women want to please him? Why? ‘Cause he’s hot? He’s a perverted asshle that’s what he is He’s acting like he owns everyone Aren’t you guys angry? “I have rules and I want you to comply with them They are for your benefit and for my pleasure If you follow these rules to my satisfaction I shall reward you If you don’t I shall punish you and you will learn” Learn this kicks him in the groin Creep “It’s about gaining your trust and your respect so you’ll let me exert my will over you” Heh right eye twitches exert my will eye twitches againAren’t you guys angry with this yet?? uestion for all the people who gave this book great scores If Grey wasn’t so hot would you still have given it such great ratings? I doubt you would So this means that the reason why you love the book is mainly Christian Grey being hot and an uber alpha? Shallow much? Or maybe you’re into all the Christian Grey induced monkey sex and torture Psycho much? But who am I to judgeThis book is just a desperate woman’s sick fantasy to be treated like a sex slave I’m sorry but it doesn’t work for me I DNF’d this because I find it disgusting and degrading PS I have to mention this because some people are too smart to get it MY REVIEW IS STRICTLY RELATED TO FIFTY SHADES OF GREY AND NOT BDSM IN GENERAL So take a chill pill and GTFO


  10. says:

    Those of you who have had the privilege of reading Fifty Shades of Grey will appreciate the context in which this review was written For those of you who have not read the book well you’ll have to buy a copy to understand the inside joke CONTRACTDated this day 28th day of October 2011 BETWEENPA LUPTON reader and fan Fifty Shades of Grey by E L JamesAndALL FANS OF EROTIC CONTEMPORARY ROMANCEEXPECTATIONSReaders can expect to find within the pages of this book a flawless rendering of the internal psychological struggles of a novice submissive in a BDSM relationship Anastasia Steele is an innocent to sexual relationships let alone BDSM relationships E L James captures perfectly her fears confusions insecurities and internal conflicts as she deals with falling in first love with a man who epitomizes the meaning of dominantCHARACTERSThe reader shall discover within this novel two of the most well thought out and in depth characters The hero Christian Grey admits that he is “Fifty shades of Fu#ed up” which makes the reader want to delve in and learn about each of those fifty shades The heroine Anastasia Steele is a study in contradictions smart but naïve innocent yet sensual independent yet submissive and these paradoxes keep the reader captivated and eager to learn THE PARTIES AGREE AS FOLLOWSUpon signing this contract you the fan agree to proceed to your nearest bookstore or e book retailer and immediately purchase a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey I PA Lupton warrant that upon reading said copy a multitude of emotions will inevitably ensue I further warrant that disappointment will not be one of the aforementioned emotions Your signature on this contract further indicates your accord in following the rules set out in APPENDIX 1 to this agreementSIGNATURE APPENDIX 1RULES1 Please ensure that you have Kleenex prepared when you read this novel as build up of emotions will unavoidably lead to the inadvertent shedding of tears2 Make certain to schedule ample time for reading as once you begin you will be unable to put your book down Be warned If obligations force you to cease reading prior to completion for long periods of time it will inevitably lead to impatience and frustration3 IMPORTANT Cold liuids ice cool cloths or any cooling euipment such as central air or electric fans should be close at hand Reading the romantic ie sex scenes in this book without these cooling devices will certainly lead to overheating 4 Enjoy